Dear Nadine,
I’ve been dating a guy
for the last three months. Things have
been going pretty good and he’s a really nice person, but we’re taking it
slowly because I had a bad break up six months ago with a guy I had been seeing
for three years. Anyway, I’m of Columbian descent and grew up in the NYC area.
This guy’s White and is from North Carolina and moved up here ten years
ago for college. Last week he wanted me
to meet his friends, and we went out to dinner.
At first I thought they were nice, but then I couldn’t believe how
insensitive they were. They seemed
shocked that I grew up in the neighborhood I grew up in, asking me what it was
like growing up in the neighborhood I did, and one girl said, “You’re Columbian. Really?
I thought you looked White!” I’m
really hurt and upset and now I don’t know if things can work out between me
and my new boyfriend. Maybe we’re just
too different. I’ve never dated a white
guy before and if this is how his friends are going to treat me, maybe it’s not
worth it!
Signed,
Insulted
Dear Insulted,
I’m so sorry to hear about the ignorance of your boyfriend’s
friends. Their questions certainly sound
insensitive. They were not at all
considerate of the fact that this is a new relationship – a first meeting with
friends is a time to get to know you as an individual (not as a stereotype!)
and put you at ease.
You may be surprised, but I’m going to give you some credit
for this. I’m getting the sense that you
must have an engaging presence which put his friends at ease around you and so
they started asking personal questions (albeit in an ignorant manner). If you have such a positive effect on people,
making them feel comfortable, think about how you could use this as a way to
educate them and dispel some of their preconceived cultural biases and
prejudices.
On another note, remember, the comments came from the
friends, NOT your boyfriend! Tell him
how the comments made you feel and give him a chance to respond. Your different backgrounds didn’t get in the
way of your getting together. So,
hopefully, it doesn’t have to split you apart.
I know you are tentative after your recent break-up, but if this guy is
sensitive to your feelings and supports you in letting his friends know that
what they said wasn’t “cool,” you’ve got a good guy there and should give him a
chance.
Nadine
Dear Nadine,
I’m in the last year
of graduate school, and I have to find a job soon. All these job fairs are coming up and
companies that are recruiting are coming to my school to meet the graduating
students. I am so worried about these
upcoming interview it’s making me miserable!
I just feel like I’m a quieter person than my classmates. It’s driving me crazy being around them
because I keep thinking they are all so good at small talk and know about so
many things –I can just talk about my coursework, my family, and shows I watch
on TV. One girl keeps saying how nervous
she is but she’s so loud and perfect at everything, it makes me kind of mad and
scared. How am I going to make a good
impression at an interview? I keep
feeling smaller and smaller. What should
I do? Help me get out of my shell!
Signed,
Feeling like a Turtle
Dear Feeling like a Turtle,
What’s inside your shell?
That’s what I want to know. There
must be lots of fascinating stuff in there.
You may have heard from well-meaning friends and family that only the
peacocks make it. So you’re wearing
yourself out and beating yourself up because you’re not a peacock at this
moment. That’s certainly not going to
help you with your interviews.
So check out your shell, YOUR interior. What drove you to go into this field in the
first place? What do you love about it? Why does it suit you, and what unique
qualities do you bring to it? You might
very well be coming from a deeper place than many of your classmates. If you can begin to articulate what motivates
you, what special strengths you bring to what you do, and then connect with
your interviewers on a quieter yet genuine level, you’ll far surpass some of
your move ostentatious peers. You may
even find others wondering what’s so fascinating inside that shell of yours
that it keeps you so absorbed. And you
may even begin inviting more people to join you in there.
Nadine
Nadine Bernard is a Board
Certified Life Coach and playwright who specializes in working with women who
are grappling with issues regarding their careers, relationships, motherhood,
self-expression and self-esteem. She uses
techniques based in coaching, psychology, and theater as she partners with
women to find clarity, fulfillment and balance as they become the heroes of
their own lives. She works with clients locally in Montclair, NJ and across the country via Skype.
www.PersonalPlays.com
nadine@personalplays.com
www.PersonalPlays.com
nadine@personalplays.com
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