A Note from Nadine:
Dear Nadine,
So I’ve been working at a health club for eight years now. I’ve known the owner for a long time and
although I consider her pretty good friends, I do feel like sometimes I’m asked
to do things for too low pay. Anyway, I
like working there, and I was recently certified as a Zumba teacher and just
started teaching a class.
There’s this other instructor who’s a lot
younger than I am, let’s call her Jane, who was also certified in Zumba when I
was. Now, I don’t know what her deal is,
but she’s always seems to be in my business, telling me I’m doing something
wrong. Just recently, she did two things
and I’m wondering if she’s trying to jeopardize my position there. One time, I called the girl at the desk to
say I would be there on time, but I wouldn’t be there in time to set up the
studio. So Jane goes outside, and
immediately calls my boss to tell her I wasn’t on time, and I got a text from
my boss asking me what was going on with me.
Another time, Jane asked for a sub for her Zumba class. I emailed that I could do it. Then never heard from Jane. She goes and tells my boss that I took too
long getting back to her.
She’s driving me nuts
and I don’t know what to do, or if I’m reading into the situation – should I confront
her, talk to my boss, just avoid her? What do you think?
Exasperated and a
little concerned.
Dear Exasperated,
Remember, it’s your space, not
hers! You need to cement the cracks, and don’t let her get in there. It sounds like you avoid standing up for
yourself and defending your boundaries, and now’s a good time to start!
I’d say, “YES,” -- avoid her
when you can and confront her when she steps on your boundaries. Don’t give her the opportunity to give you
advice, or put you down. Walk away, stay
clear, and get it straight, in a polite yet firm manner, that you don’t need
her stepping on your toes, and that you’re handling things fine YOUR way. Jane seems threatened by you -- perhaps
because you have more years of experience and know the boss for a longer time –
and she doesn’t want you around. You’re
not reading into this! If she tattles on
you one more time, definitely talk to your boss about it. Tell her that Miss Jane needs to mind her own
business when she’s at work. If she’s really a friend, she’ll understand.
Nadine
Dear Nadine,
So, I’ve been in a
committed relationship with a man for ten years. We’re not actually married because I thought
things were fine the way they were. He’s
got a son in middle school and I’ve got two girls, one in kindergarten and one
in third grade. These kids have tons of
activities, and he won’t help me out with stuff, like picking them up in the
evening when I’m supposed to be three places at once! He says he’s too tired after work. But my days are crazy too and I work part
time at a cafe. Actually, he won’t do
anything to help besides his job. He
can’t even screw in a light bulb!
Seriously, he’s terrible around the house and doesn’t even know how to
work a grill. He says he’d be lost
without me – he just gives up on trying things way too fast. I do everything! But if I push back too hard, don’t I run into
the danger that he’ll get mad and fight back financially? Some stuff is good, like we do some family
stuff on weekends. But I plan it
all. Why can’t he help more? I’m tired!
Tired and irritated
Dear Tired and Irritated,
Doing everything for the family is hard. I get it!
But you’ve got to stop for a moment and ask yourself, “What do I get out
of feeling superior to my partner around the house?” Because you two have fallen into a pattern of
him making more money and you being better at everything else. You said that you're worried that if you push back
and don’t do everything for him, he might get angry and walk. But what about your other fears? You’ve got to conquer the fear that, if he
doesn’t need you and rely on you so much, he might not stay. Especially since you’ve decided not to marry
him.
You have to believe in your worth, that you’re worth being
around, not just because you do things for him.
Then, you have to be ready to let him in on your tricks. If he’s had women caring for him all his
life, he needs help catching up. Think
kindergarten! Take a few deep breaths
and then teach him how to use that screwdriver.
Get a sitter one night and enjoy a barbeque together, patiently showing
him how that thing operates till he feels comfortable. Teach him to cook up some warm munchies and
enjoy them together with a glass of wine.
As for taking care of him – teach him the skills he needs to know -- like
making his own breakfast, putting the storm windows in his office -- and then
he’s on his own, cause you’re too busy picking up his kid!
Nadine
Nadine Bernard is a Board
Certified Life Coach and playwright who specializes in working with women who
are grappling with issues regarding their careers, relationships, motherhood,
self-expression and self-esteem. She uses
techniques based in coaching, psychology, and theater as she partners with
women to find clarity, fulfillment and balance as they become the heroes of
their own lives. She works with women locally in Montclair, NJ and across the country via phone or Skype.
www.PersonalPlays.com
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